In so much pain it is almost impossible to concentrate.
Disclaimer: If you don’t want to read what will probably be somewhat of a downer then I suggest you don’t read this and wait till the next time I post something! It’s just that, this is my blog, my space to write, and today I’m struggling so I think I just need somewhere to be able to vent.
When you have a chronic condition like mine, one with no cure, not even an exact treatment, one that even doctors don’t quite understand, it is difficult to explain it to other people. I mean who would want to sit and listen to what it’s like to no longer remember what life without some kind of pain was like? Who could be expected to able to understand that on one day my energy levels might be at 50% and I can actually leave the house and do something I enjoy but the next they might be close to zero and I can’t do much but lie in bed for absolutely no explainable reason? Who could actually be expected to be prepared to be there through all of the lows?
When I was in my first year of university I wrote a post on what it means to suffer from fibromyalgia. Things go up and down but nothing has changed, not really.
I have to admit that I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being taken seriously by people who can’t, and sometimes refuse to, understand. I’m afraid that going to see a doctor and expressing just how bad things can be will have them turn to the same old easy option of deciding that if I’m struggling I must be depressed because of course it couldn’t possibly be completely normal to struggle when your body feels like it has given up on you. I’m afraid that this is it, for the rest of my life. I’m afraid that many of my friends just don’t see what it really means so don’t really support me. And I think one of things I’m most afraid of right now, as I am single after so long, is that no man will ever be prepared to deal with this. How can I ever expect to meet someone and not frighten them away because they don’t want to face the side of me that isn’t all light and sunshine?
In life I can be cynical, my sense of humour can be rather dry and self-deprecating. But I am a positive, happy person. I believe in the power of the simple things. I believe that we should love freely, and as much as we can. I believe in making the most of what we have, and being grateful for everything we are given in life.
I want to live my own life as much as I can, I have goals, I put the energy I do have into projects and things which will make me happier. I give as much as I possibly have to the people that I care about, the people that I love. I just fear that sometimes, because no matter how I choose to live my fibromyalgia will always be a part of me, that I won’t be good enough. What if I’m not enough?