Well today has definitely been a busy day if nothing else. I wish I was coming back to this blog after the days I’ve been away with something happier so I’ll make the negativity brief and then move on to the chocolate 😉
My decision to start writing about my pain, my condition was not easy. I knew I was opening myself up to all sorts of judgement. So far though, all of you wonderful bloggers and readers have been nothing but supportive and sympathetic to me. I don’t think I expected so much positive encouragement and I am so so grateful for it all.
There are some people however, who aren’t so sympathetic or more to the point empathetic.
Today I had an appointment with the rheumatologist and he essentially told me that he thinks my pain, fatigue and everything else comes from a mixture of my body’s imbalances from growing and from my “depression” which is due to the stress placed on young people in university, particularly prestigious institutions…
Well, firstly I haven’t grown since I was 13 years old. I.e. in 6 years. Don’t you think it’s taking my body rather a long time to sort itself out?
Secondly I am not depressed. I know what depression is, it is a serious mental illness, not to be treated lightly and not to be dismissed. But it is not what I have. I think that anyone who was experiencing what I have been going through for the past 5 years would feel a bit down occasionally. It’s hardly tea in the park! But I am not depressed, I am actually fundamentally an upbeat person who has been trying to make the most of frankly a pretty rubbish situation. So if I feel a little upset or frustrated I think that is a little understandable.
Anyway, can I just ask what makes a rheumatologist qualified to make that diagnosis? He essentially tried to typecast me into some mould – he asked me if I was feeling at all depressed, how my periods are and that I was looking quite thin so had I lost weight recently? I told him that I occasionally felt a bit low because it was tough to deal with, that my periods have been incredibly painful but regular ever since they started age 12 (sorry for the TMI) and that I had actually put on over half a stone since starting university thank you very much for asking.
So yes, as you can tell, not the best appointment and certainly not what I was hoping for. Chronic pain and fatigue problems are still an area of medicine which is not properly understood and there are plenty of medical professionals who feel sceptical about it all. Clearly he was one of them.
And no, thank you for offering but I will not be taking anti-depressants.
Anyway sorry about that rant! I think I just needed to get it all off my chest. I hope I haven’t irritated anyone by having this moan, I was just frustrated that he thought the best treatment would be “re-introducing me to gradual exercise” and a course of anti-depressants when clearly the first is sort of useless seeing how I have been exercising pretty regularly for the past 3 years and that I’m not depressed.
But I do have some positive things for you today so I will move on to those now. Much more fun!
After that fiasco my mum and I decided to go for coffee in town to cheer ourselves up. We tried a new little coffee shop with Scandinavian influences. It was pretty cute with magazines and books to read, pretty tiny too though.
It was nice to finally have some time to relax after an exhausting 3 days of singing and a tough term. I hope that I will be able to enjoy lots more relaxing time in town as it’s lovely in the spring and there’s so much to do.
I ate a very orange lunch today: tomato tart, roasted butternut squash, chopped carrot and a couple of sesame oat crackers. It might have been rather orange which is definitely not one of my favourite colours but it was pretty tasty!
This afternoon was spent working and then indulging on some more deliciousness:
Flourless chocolate cake (recipe from the Primrose Bakery book). It is so moreish and indulgent, seriously one of the best things I have eaten in a while. I baked it with my sister which was fun too as we haven’t had a good chat in a long time. Definitely good to catch up and hang out 🙂
Plus it’s never bad when you have the gorgeous aroma of baking and chocolate filling the room!
Now it’s super late, I should have been in bed at least an hour ago so I shall leave you with a photo of dinner:
Chicken curry, basmati rice, cucumber raita and mango chutney – so good!
Have you ever been in that sort of position at the doctor’s?
Any advice as to what I should do?
Have you baked anything indulgent lately?