My Day (and Struggles) in Food.

Disclaimer: If you have eating disorder tendencies or find related topics difficult, please do not read this post. 

Also, this post is long, just warning you!

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Do you know what I did today?

I actually took a photo of  everything I ate. I know a day late but, as they say, better late than never!

So I can indulge in a post which focuses almost entirely on food, which of course makes me happy, seeing how it’s one of my biggest obsessions.

Speaking of obsessions, I think it’s about to come clean. What I am about to announce is something I have never outright written about in the blogworld. I’ve alluded to it in previous posts and I’ve mentioned it occasionally in comments on other blogs. But I’ve never said it here and I think that because of all the wonderful support and advice you give me, I owe it to you.

Why have I never said it before? Because I don’t want it to be the focus of this blog. This blog is about healthy living, learning, loving, healing, happiness, and of course food. (With a touch of fitness thrown in occasionally!)

I don’t want people to think that this is what defines me.

Anyway, after clearly trying to avoid the subject for the last few lines, here goes:

I have struggled with disordered eating and incredibly poor body image and self-esteem for the last 5 years.

Perhaps it’s not a big surprise, I don’t really know how much people have noticed.

Let me clear a few things up. Firstly I eat pretty normally, I get my guideline intake (sometimes more, sometimes less), I am a ‘healthy weight’, I have a healthy BMI.

I am NOT saying I have an eating disorder. That is a serious illness which is hugely harmful and can potentially ruin your life.

All I am saying is that, like most girls, I struggle with food and my body.

I just struggle a bit more than is average.

This post is going to be my explanation, amidst photos of my eats for today…

One weetabix, soaked in milk, and topped with frozen blueberries and a sprinkling of granola.

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As a young teenager I was completely fine. My mother has always fed our family healthy food and to be honest, apart from distinguishing what I liked and didn’t like to eat, I never really gave food any thought. I was a fairly fussy eater as a child but gradually grew out of it. I didn’t have a clue about calories, or the fat or sugar content in food, or about dieting, nor did I care. I ate what I wanted and I was naturally thin.

Photos of me at about age 13 show a fairly skinny girl who looks healthy and pretty happy. I danced a fair amount at that age (and had done since I was 3 years old) and led a reasonably active lifestyle.

Body image problems just didn’t come into the equation.

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Lunch: mini pot of red pepper hummus (yum!), celery sticks, Ryvita crispbreads.

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The catalyst came with the development of my condition. I started a new dance class, contemporary, which I loved, at around age 13 1/2 and for a few months it was fine, I was just really enjoying it. Then I started feeling a pain in my hips when I danced, to begin with it was just a bit uncomfortable but then it developed into quite a lot of pain.

My mother took me to the doctor, I was referred to the hospital, I had an x-ray, nothing.

I was then sent to a specialist, they couldn’t figure it out but referred me to a physio and for several months I tried all sorts of strengthening and stretching exercises. Nothing seemed to work. I had more tests, MRI, ultrasound, I tried a different physio, I had acupuncture…

Still nothing.

So I had to give up dancing.

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This is what I have snacked on constantly today. It’s just been one of those days when I can’t seem to stop snacking but at least it’s semi nutritious and it’s really tasty. I’ve had several bowls like this. x20

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Obviously, stopping dance cut out a huge source of my exercise. Combine this with the fact that I was going through puberty and of course, I gained weight.

You have to bear in mind that I was bordering on underweight before, so a gaining about 6 kilos actually put me in the mid to low section of the ‘healthy weight’ for my height. But it was still a shock for me.

All of a sudden I had sizable breasts (no I’m not telling!), I had hips, I had that little bit of fat between my thighs which had never been there, and I had that little bit of fat over my lower abs.

It scared me pretty badly. Over the next few months I was struggling with coming to terms with the pain, I was having all sorts of medical tests, school work was starting to become more serious, and I had a few bad experiences with some kids at school.

All of this together led to my discovering the world of diets, of incredibly low self-esteem, the development of hatred for the loss of my dancer’s body, the absolutely 100% hatred of my new ‘woman’s body’.

So I started restricting.

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I went for coffee with one of my lovely English Lit friends. We chatted, we ranted about the world, we talked books, we drank coffee, and we indulged guiltlessly.

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It started slowly at first. I just cut down on snacks and treats – the usual. But it didn’t seem to work, so I cut down more. And more.

I reckon I was living on about 1000 calories for a few months age about 14. Scary to think about it now.

I hated my body and frankly, I hated myself.

Maybe it was depression… Maybe it was the beginnings of an eating disorder.

Anyway I did drop some of the weight. I was sort of in between what I’d been pre-condition and my heaviest.

I do think things could have gotten pretty bad.

But then I met this wonderful guy:

I sometimes think I know that if I hadn’t then things would incredibly different now.

Although I had a lot of really fantastic support from my parents, I think that meeting and falling in love with Tom had more of an effect on me.

He loved me for who I was, and I didn’t want to be a ‘broken’ person, I wanted to be the girl he deserved!

From this point, things gradually improved. I stopped restricting, he hated it, he hated the thought of me being unhealthy and unhappy, and frankly I was tired of controlling my food so much and of hating myself.

I started to eat normally again. I focused my energy on school and on Tom. I became a very different person, a much better person.

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Dinner tonight was simple but delicious, courgettes pan-fried in garlic and chili flakes and quinoa.

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The other thing that has really helped me to view food in a different light? Healthy-living blogs!

All of you guys!

About a year and a half ago I discovered healthy-living blogs, food blogs, fitness blogs… I can’t even remember how I first found them but they really helped my absolute LOVE of food to develop.

This was such a positive thing and what eventually decided me to start my own blog, this blog, Love Live & Learn

It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made! I have learnt so so much from blogging, I have made many connections with wonderful, inspiring people, I have developed my writing and photography skills, I have found new foods, I discovered a love for strength training and I have had so much support from all of you.

I can’t thank all of you who comment and email me enough, you are amazing people!

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Fage 0% fat Greek yogurt (love that stuff!), frozen strawberries and blueberries and yet more granola!

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So why has this come to the forefront now if I’m feeling so much better about food?

The thing is, since coming to university I have put on quite a lot of weight because my condition has gotten so much worse and I struggled so much with physical activity last term.

To be honest, I’m really not that happy with my body. A lot of the fears and the low self-esteem and the negative emotions are resurfacing. It’s a really difficult time for me basically.

As I said in yesterday’s post, I want to use this period of Lent to really look after my body, to care for it. Yes I want to lose weight but I want to do it in a healthy, controlled way and I don’t want to lose kilos and kilos. I just want my old, healthier, toned and slimmer body back.

This post has been really hard to write, it has taken a lot of courage and it was really emotionally draining.

I really hope no one has been upset by this, your support really does mean a lot!

Thank you all for your lovely comments and support, particularly on my last few posts, you’re all fantastic

Thank you also to my wonderful parents and sister, for all of the support and help they gave me and continue to give. I honestly wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t have their love and their unfailing support. I love you all!

Lastly thank you to my amazing boyfriend, Tom. I love you so much, you have been more help than I could have ever imagined.

Were you surprised by what I talked about here?
Do you struggle with any of these issues (or have you in the past)?
What are your thoughts on all of it?

p.s. I am sorry if some of this isn’t particularly clear, my sleep medication is really starting to kick in but I was determined to finish the post!

Ash Wednesday and the Beginning of Lent.

I know I usually take part in What I Ate Wednesday on Wednesdays but today I have no photos of

Now I don’t want to alienate any non-religious readers, or any readers with different religious views so if you don’t want to read this post I completely understand! Having said that I promise it isn’t a post solely concerned with religion.

But today I want to talk about Lent.

Because for me the idea is important.

Lent is the perfect time for making a special effort. For reflection. For renewal.

I remember one of the former priests at my church saying once that Lent shouldn’t just be an excuse to give up something, for example sweets, because that demeans the meaning of Lent, it represents so much more than that.

Now I have absolutely nothing against non-religious people using Lent solely as motivation to give something up, sometimes it can be useful to have that defined time period, especially as many people are simultaneously trying to give something up. But I do get irritated when fellow religious people do the same.

That very same priest said that it was better in many ways to give your time for something good, rather than just giving something up.

I like this approach.

I really think that this can work for anyone no matter their religious views or lifestyle.

For example if you are someone who is constantly working to help other people and never resting, you can take the time to do something caring for yourself. Or for people like me, who spend a lot of time focusing on your own life and problems (I do try not to be like this!) you can take the time, each day, to focus on doing something good for others. It could be something simple like making sure you compliment someone everyday, or it could be helping someone with something they struggle with, or it could be volunteering. The possibilities are practically endless.

I don’t think giving things up is always wrong though. I think taking the time to think about the meaning of Lent and then giving up something significant is a wonderful thing to do. I especially think giving up things which are harmful to you are important. Your body is after all the only body you are going to get, we need to take care of ourselves.

So this Lent, what am I going to do?

Well for once I have taken the time to stop and think about the meaning of Lent and about my own life.

There is a lot I can change for the better. I focused on being better.

1. I’m going to look after my body. This means no more junk food which is harmful for my body. It means limiting substances like caffeine and alcohol. This doesn’t mean that I am cutting out everything that some people would view as unhealthy! I just don’t want to eat anything that will make me feel guilty or harm the health of my body. I still plan on baking, I will still (hopefully) go out to the restaurant and I will still go for coffee. I just won’t eat bought, processed food which is full of harmful substances like high levels of sugar, saturated or trans fats, excess salt or potentially harmful chemical additives.

2. I am also  going to pay attention to my body’s natural signals which  means getting enough sleep each night. It means exercising in every way I can. It also means making sure I take the time to rest when my body needs it, not straining it too far. My body is a temple and I will treat it as one.

3. I am going to devote some time everyday for personal reflection. Time for prayer. Time for reflection on my day, what I did that made me happy, what I did that negatively affected me. Time for meditation and time for thankfulness. Taking this time everyday can help you to grow as a person, it can help you understand yourself and make you appreciate your life more.

4. I am going to do something positive for someone else everyday. Take the time to help someone. Compliment someone meaningfully everyday. Always be polite. Smile at people. Take the time to ask people how they are and really listen to them. This too is such an important part of growing as a person and can bring you a lot of happiness. Not only this but it is a chance to give something back to the world and to the people you love.

In a way they echo my resolutions this year. I guess this is because these are the things I want to do to become a better person. I want to them for me, for the people I care about and of course for God.

I don’t think these actions, these promises are uniquely relevant to Christians. I believe that everyone can implement actions like these in their everyday lives.

Even if you are completely and utterly atheist, making an effort to improve your life, to focus more on being happy and positive and to look after yourself, is so so important and really can make your quality of life so much better!

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I hope this post hasn’t been too deep for any of you and if you were put off by the religious content I apologise, I did try to make it fairly ambiguous so that it could mean something to all of my readers!

Are you giving anything up for Lent?
What are your thoughts on improving the quality of your life?
What efforts do you make to be happier in life?

This Weekend #2.

This weekend I went to visit my wonderful boyfriend, Tom, up at his university.

When I go visit Tom I always have a brilliant time.

It doesn’t matter if the weekend is packed full of activities or completely relaxed and spent at home, I never fail to leave happy.

Long-distance is really difficult, I’m not going to lie, but it does have some positives! The best thing about it is that every time you are reunited the time spent together is so precious and feels that extra bit special

We had a mixture of activity and relaxation, the perfect balance really.

We went for walks along the beautiful river.

We saw the first signs of Spring’s arrival.

We watched films (50/50, The Adjustment Bureau and K-Pax) and munched cookies (and un-pictured toffee popcorn!).

We sat in cafes, drank coffee and shared chocolate fudge cake.

We cooked tasty and healthy food. This is a plate of whole wheat pasta and tomato sauce with onions, peppers, quorn chicken, ham, garlic and spices – delicious.

And most importantly, we spent some magical moments together!

Hope your weeks are turning out well

What did you do this weekend?
What have you got planned this week, anything special?

p.s. Thank you so much for all of your brilliant advice on my last post! Your suggestions were all fantastic and I will be replying to all of your comments tomorrow

p.p.s. I hope you all had a lovely Shrove Tuesday/Mardi Gras/Pancake day!

My Fitness Problem.

I have a problem with fitness.

Or maybe fitness has a problem with me.

I know, I know. I workout quite a lot when my pain levels are low.

I don’t mean that I don’t enjoy working out – I do. I just have quite a big problem with my fitness capabilities: my stamina.

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For instance, let me show you last week’s workouts:

Monday – Rest day. I was pretty drained from my weekend with Alice.
Tuesday – 1hr 30 of Pilates.
Wednesday – Level 1 of 30 Day Shred.
Thursday – 10 mins HIIT workout + 30 mins Upper-body strength workout.
Friday – Was going to be 40 mins at the gym but I woke up really sore and as I had to get the train that afternoon it wasn’t really possible.

Doesn’t look too bad right?

I mean, ignoring Friday which didn’t go to plan, I would say that wasn’t bad and actually pretty damn good for someone with Fibromyalgia! But the problem is that I am really struggling at the gym or when doing any other form of cardio.

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The thing is, none of my workouts really help me build up my stamina and the issue with my situation is that often my pain prevents me from staying on any of the cardio machines (or cycling) for very long. Obviously because of this I never get a chance to really build up my stamina. Back before all of my problems started developing I used to dance every weekend and was pretty with walking and cycling, as things got progressively worse I had to stop being so active and my stamina has never really recovered. I’m trying to build it back up but it really isn’t easy!

Not to mention that when I’m going through a particularly ‘low’ patch with high levels of pain and fatigue I just can’t find the energy to do much exercise, if any. So obviously this has a big negative impact on my stamina and endurance…

Basically I’m in a bit of a conundrum!

Aaaand this is where you, my lovely readers, come in

I know a lot of you are serious fitness buffs and I want your advice. How on earth can I build up my stamina levels with all of my restrictions??

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In other news I have had a really lovely time with Tom this weekend. Today was our last day, I’m back on the train tomorrow morning for a 3-hour trip and then straight to a drama seminar!

I love being here, it’s great to get away from the ‘bubble’ that is my university, it’s a beautiful place, and Tom never fails to make me happy.

It’s bittersweet really.

I hope you all had a great first day back at school/uni/work!

Advice? Suggestions? Anecdotes of personal experience?
Also, any exciting happenings this week?

7 Confessions.

Hey hey I hope everyone has had/is having a lovely weekend! I’m having a really fantastic time here with Tom, it just feels wonderful to be together again. Long-distance relationships can be good in some respects: the time you spend together feels more special, but in others it’s just so exhausting. But, hopefully we won’t have to be long-distance for much longer. Can’t reveal the details yet but there might be some changes in the pipeline for me…. Anyway here is a little post I had planned for you. Seeing how we are in a pattern of ‘getting-to-know-me’ posts, here are 7 confessions:

• I eat the same breakfast everyday.

• I am glued to my phone. Luckily not literally. I just can’t leave the house without it or I feel naked. It just goes to show the way technology has changed things in our society.

• I have twelve cookbooks, three of which I bought at the Oxfam bookshop by campus… and I have my eye on two more.

• I have bitten my nails for as long as I can remember. I have a clear memory of a specific incident, aged 3 at nursery, of being told off for it. I desperately want to stop – it’s a horrid habit. Unfortunately I do it when I’m stressed and to be honest that’s most of the time at the moment! Please don’t me.

• I don’t do core work enough. Even though the doctor said it would help my back. As consequence doing Pilates and then the next day doing Level 1 of the 30 Day Shred left me SORE.

• I have had the same since I was 11 years old – Sense and Sensibility.

• I love my veg but I don’t really enjoy salads. I know, I’m supposed to be into a healthy lifestyle… Let me explain, I don’t like salads with lettuce. I just find it hard to swallow the stuff!

So there you have it, my 7 random confessions

What’s your confession for the week?

Just a Quick Hello!

Hey you lovely people

I hope you are all having a fantastic weekend, I am having a lovely weekend with Tom, it’s so nice to be together again.

I’m afraid I’ll probably be quite absent for the next couple of days, it just means I’ll have lots of fabulous posts to catch up on!

In the meantime I wrote a guest post for the lovely Allie on my big life decision so go check out Allie’s brilliant blog Forgotten Beast to read it

Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone, I have a post scheduled for tomorrow so I’m not leaving you completely

 

5 Weeks.

That’s how long it’s been since I last saw this gorgeous guy:

I sure have missed him!

But this evening I am hopping on a train and traveling up north to spend the weekend with him

I’m so ridiculously excited about it, I’ve spent the week telling pretty much everyone I know. I can’t help it, I  just can’t wait to be with him again.

So today because I missed writing my own post yesterday I have a fun little questionnaire planned.

The other day the lovely Laurence from Fit Peanut tagged my in her 11 Things post but I’ve already written one here. So I thought, why not just answer her questions so that you can all learn a little bit more about me (as if you weren’t all already sick of hearing about me!)

1. Dark chocolate or Milk chocolate?

For me definitely dark. I like mine to be 60-70% so not super bitter. But milk chocolate gets too sickly for me. Strangely enough I do like white chocolate which is pretty sickly! My favourite chocolate has to be dark chocolate pralines though. Mmmmmm.

These will do:

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2. When did you feel proud?

I felt proud last Friday when I got the results of my courseworks back and not only passed them all but got really good grades I really wasn’t expecting to do so well seeing how much I struggled last term and so, although I hate saying things like this as I’m always worried about sounding big-headed, I was pretty proud of myself!

3.Do you have any siblings?

Yes, one sister called Alice, she’s 16 next month. We’re born three years apart minus a week so March is a busy month for our family! I love my sister to bits, we’re really close and she’s a hilarious person to hang out with She came to visit me here at uni last weekend and we had a fantastic time.

4. Harry Potter or Twilight?

HARRY POTTER. I can’t even compare them. Although I didn’t mind the Twilight series as books they just completely lack the imagination and the character of the Harry Potter books. Not to mention that I grew up with Harry Potter, the books were with me from age 8 through to age 14 and they still bring me immense enjoyment when I read them. Not to mention that they effectively taught me to love reading (clichéd I know).

5. Have you ever gone to France (my country!)?

Yes heaps of times! I’m half French (my Mother is from the North of France) and I have a lot of family there. We have been several times a year since I was born, both to visit family and just on holiday. I love France and the culture there. It’s a very big part of me

6. Do you believe in friendship between guys and girls?

I believe in friendship between anyone. That is to say that I don’t think it matters what gender, race, culture, family background, upbringing etc you have, your friends don’t have to have lots in common with you. I have a wide mix of friends and I don’t really pay much attention to their gender. Having said that I do think that sometimes in relationships between men and women sex can become an issue: one person may find themselves becoming attracted to the other.

7. Left or right-handed?

Right-handed.

8. If you had a chance to switch bodies with someone you admire, would you do it?

No I don’t think so, I can imagine it would do more harm than good. I struggle very much with low self-esteem and I wouldn’t want to break the tenuous control I have over my insecurities.

9. What is the weirdest thing you do in your everyday life?

I don’t know if I do anything that weird! I’m not a terribly exciting person I have a daily checklist on my whiteboard that some would find strange I guess!

10. Did you ever check you ex-boyfriend’s facebook page?

I don’t really have any ex-boyfriends (Tom and I got together two days after my fifteenth birthday) so I don’t have this issue, thank goodness!

11. If you won the lottery, would you keep working?

If I was doing a job I didn’t enjoy I would quit that but I am fairly sure I’d find myself something to do that I loved, even if it was poorly paid or part-time because I would get so bored without something structured to do. It would mean I could stay at home if I had any children though which is something I really hope I’ll be able to do!

So there you have it, another little insight into my mind…

Fascinating wasn’t it

Thank you for the questions Laurence!

Answer any of the questions you fancy or elaborate on one of my answers
Any exciting plans for the weekend?